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"Why" can go fuck itself!

Pathology? Not me?      When I was younger I always thought there was something wrong with me. My reactions were not like others. But try to say “I’d like to be normal?” and you’ll find yourself in collision with the phrase “What is normal?”. An intellectual denial. If I knew what normal was I think I’d just pursue it. I’m sorry I don’t have the vocabulary to say “I’d like to have emotional regulation within the standards of society. Please sir may I have some more? Thank you, yes your lack of empathy and intentional obfuscation of my statement has be helpful. Why would anyone do that? Pathology? No, you’re smart.      DO YOU HAVE A PERSONALITY DISORDER?! No of course not, that would be crazy and I’m not crazy. I’m smart. Still though why can’t I seem to cope? I’ve been told I’m smart from the very beginning. From a very young age. “You’re very smart kid Kevin. Why would you do that?”. Does intelligence correlate with mental well being? Maybe. Anxiety was certainly a problem as
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Pride

 Here I am again.  My heart clenched tighter than a fist.  I can see a brick wall.  Stories have held me back most particularly my own but on the other side of that wall is living.  Too afraid to trust, too afraid to take action.  These drugs displace me.  Let go! Let go! I'm tired of hanging on.  The cliffs edge has never kept me safe.  I'm going to fall one way or another but I never trust the drop.  The fall, my face flush with anxiety.  The only benefit of hanging on to the last second is that you plummet with tired arms.  And to what end do you choose this living casket, a space to hide rather than house your functions.  This sweet torture is what you live for, this dreary pattern is what you know.  Pride is a rock that sinks you.  Pride is the sin etched on your gravestone. This man is too afraid to live.  He is too afraid to live in perfection in fear that he would ruin it.  He is too afraid to live in dystopia in fear that it would consume him.  He cannot live in a prom
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Layers of the Funion

  Fun fact, over the last eight years I’ve lost forty pounds, gained back thirty pounds, and lost thir t y pounds again. I’ve gone through a series of fad diets partly to lose weight and partly to just see what it’s like. I never thought once about a diet growing up. I mostly just sucked down just about every soda pop I could get my hands on. When I turned twenty one that then became true for beer. Needless to say I was bound to be overweight at some point but having been skinny during the entirety of my childhood I figured turning things around and thinning out again would be no problem. I learned I was wrong about that “turning things around would be easy” bit. It actually became pretty challenging. Losing weight is an effort in and of itself, but keeping weight off is always an interesting game. I figured it’s about habit. Just eating salad from here until death. Those things were sort of myths I’ve glomed onto about other people losing weight and gaining it back, then
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You can always kill yourself later.

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  I wrote the following piece April 2016. Thank you to David Allen for helping me out through all types of disastrous brought on my negative view of the world.
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  To anyone else he would look fast asleep. He lay on top of the covers of his bed with his eyes closed and body relaxed. It was possibly a dream state of sorts, but he was suspended here somewhere between conscious and unconscious. Behind those closed eyes his mind was active. It was actually a bit more than that, his world was active. It wasn’t always easy to get here, bu t it was one of his favorite places to go ever since he was a kid laying in the sunshine on the living room floor waiting to go to church. It was a sort of active relaxed state. Something like how he often heard meditation described. He hadn’t planned on being here. He just laid down on the bed and closed his eyes and slowly the tendrils of his inner world wrapped around him and pulled him in. He lay on his bed eyes closed and he wondered how many sounds he could pick out. At first the obvious ones jumped forward. The ceiling fan whirring above him. Then the clinking of it’s two pull chains for the l
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Everything I’ve learned about self love

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Her: Do you love me? Me: Of course. Her: Then you must love yourself, because how can you love someone else if you don’t love yourself?   Those were the wise words of my best friend in high school Kara. I always hated that logic. What I heard that day wasn’t that I obviously must care for myself in some way, but rather that not only do I not love myself but I also don’t have the capacity to genuinely love others. I have a real knack for taking things the wrong way. I always thought self love was int r insic and effortless. Some people loved themselves but I did not. It’s not that I had done anything “wrong” per se in the morality sense. It was that I had a natural disdain for myself. A sense of worthlessness. I was steeped in bouts of depression from a young age and could never figure out why. I was always reminded that my circumstances were good and that I should be grateful. “There is nothing wrong with you.” was not to uncommon to hear shouted at me through the frustrat
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  When you meet someone you say “Wow, you’re great!” and they respond “I think you’re great too!” Then you enter the Relationship Tunnel. At the beginning of the tunnel is ice cream and restaurants and what seems like endless sex. The Entrance! However that’s just the entrance. The tunnel is really mostly made up of mirrors. Big ones, small ones, ones that make you look skinny, and ones that make you look fat. Ones that make you bigger than you really are and ones that make you really really small.   That first mirror! At first all of these mirrors seem like a lot of fun. You and your partner can’t stop looking at yourselves and each other in awe and amazement. But then at some point when you get far enough into the tunnel you get disoriented. You lose your point of reference. You forget what your partner looks like and even worse you forget what you look like. The mirrors play tricks on you. You can no longer tell where they begin and you end. The next thing you know y
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